What do I want?

{Make me lonely
So I can be Yours
‘Til I want no one
More than You, Lord
‘Cause in the darkness
I know You will hold me.}

Keep Making Me 

Sidewalk Prophets

What is it that I truly want? What do I desire? More than anything else, what do I long for?

Truly life-defining questions.

I could answer "to find love." It is a simple answer that I used to believe without knowing was what I wanted. I could answer "success" and define what that meant to me, basically meeting the expectations of the world or my family. I could also answer "to help people" which is a good and noble thing to want.

But it isn't enough.

I am tired of looking for love. I am tired of expectations burdening me as though I were a mule. I am tired of reaching out to help people and being turned away, remaining un-thanked, and being taken advantage of.

What do I really want? What should I want?

God.

The most valuable treasure, He is what I should want. He is what I want, well most of the time. Sometimes I become disillusioned with His ability to satisfy. But always I come back, only to find love I sought elsewhere. I find the power and strength to meet His expectations. I find fulfillment in helping people despite their ingratitude and arrogance. I only have one person to please: God. What a relief.

I never prayed for loneliness so that He could be all I want. I never thought to be that selfless and devoted. Loneliness came, but I found many an occasion to complain to Him and beg Him to end it. It was the perfect time to find pleasure and peace in His presence, to draw near to Him, but I was blinded by my selfishness and my pride. Lonely people are seen as misfits, outcasts and my ego couldn't handle that. I still see myself as somewhat an outsider to the world. I am grateful for the distance sometimes, though.  It is a distance that very few understand. He does and there is nothing more safe than explaining myself to Him. He made me-He knows me, but it must be hilarious and tragic and beautiful all at the same time to hear me talk about myself. About my hopes and dreams and fears.

I love to meander around the park in solitude, whispering stray thoughts to Him, crying, laughing and singing to Him. I never knew, never realized how real a relationship with God could feel. I always thought it to be this distant sort of touch-and-go thing that I would have to guess at. But it is real, the most real part of my life. At least the most stable. I want Him to be my priority. I want to live for His glory and not my own. I want to do good things not because they are good or right, but because I love Him and He asks it.

I want Him.

What do you want?

Spring's Strength

There is nothing more energizing than potential. It buzzes like a hive teeming with bees, just waiting to burst out and fly away. Perhaps the only thing more beautiful is realized potential. Walking in the warm darkness of Spring,  realized potential still glows with loveliness in the lamplight.

Spring is the season for using potential. Trees are teeming with buds, bursting into flowers, then leaves. So often I find the potential I uncovered in the reflection of Winter's solitude being  developed in the Spring. 

Lately, there has been a theme of strength in my life. God has put people and verses and songs across my path that emphasize how, even though we are weak, because of Him, we can be strong. We are strong, with  His strength. This potential to be strong, if we rely on Him, is something I have struggled to accept. In my utter depravity, I feel so weak, so fragile.

I am.


But He tells us in 2 Corinthians 12:9 that ”My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in your weakness.”  The song Give Me Faith declares in the bridge "I may be weak, but Your Spirit's strong in me." We were created to be  strong, "we were made to be courageous." (Courageous, Casting Crowns) And so I have seen His strength in me this Spring. Potential for tasks I never thought I could do. But through God, anything, ANYTHING, is possible. Let Him use you, for He has made you with potential to do great things with His strength.

"my heart is like a prisoner of war"

{I've got voices in my head, they are so strong,
and I;m getting sick of this, oh Lord how long
will I be haunted by the fear that I believe?
My hands like locks on cages of these dreams I can't set free.
If I let these dreams die...will the letting go let me come alive?
Empty my hands, fill up my heart, capture my mind with You.}

Empty My Hands -my favorite song of all time
Tenth Avenue North

tug-of-war. I never liked that game. I always got trampled, and usually I let go because I didn't want to get rope-burn. Ironically, my relationship with God has been an ongoing tug-of-war since the beginning. Fortunately, He wins. Every time.

Sometimes I fool myself into thinking that if I make enough plans or dream enough about something, God wouldn't dare take it away. He loves me too much to hurt me like that, I tell myself. This is the one thing, God, the one thing I really want. 

I have said that about a great many things, dreams both small and big. Tonight He finally wrenched another one from my stubborn grasp, painfully. My hands are red and raw, but the cool air in their empty grasp is comforting. He will bandage my poor hands until they are strong enough to receive what He has for me.

It isn't easy to think that I will not get what I wanted. Why did I want it?

To make me happy.

Why did He take it?

So that I could realize that joy comes from Him. That his plans are good-hard, but good. That what I really wanted, all along is Him. Not the dreams, not the things, just Him. Nothing else could ever be enough. It still hurts, but I am peaceful.

a challenging virtue

Anticipation has slowed the second hand. Gravity seems to have lessened its pull on the grains of sand that usually glide so rhythmically through the hour glass. This is the challenge of waiting. 

Imagined stills of the dreams and hopes for which I wait swirl hazily through my mind. These thoughts decrease my patience, making each dream more real and vivid. Other times, the thoughts are blurred and seem distant and impossible. 

I wait for an adventure in the near future. I wait for journeys in the far future. I wait for dreams to slip into my life unannounced, or parade in whenever God wills. And so I pray for patience, each time I think of the things I wait for I ask Him to calm my restless heart. 

"While I'm waiting, I will serve You, while I'm waiting, I will worship...I will not faint...even while I wait."

While I'm Waiting

John Waller