Who are You?

{I want God, not my idea of God}
C.S. Lewis

I wonder sometimes. Why let sin happen? Why let Satan feed us lies? Why destroy kingdoms, let innocents be killed?

I do not have the answer.

Sometimes this bothers me. I want to know why. What is the purpose? And the question so many ask: How can a loving God allow this to happen?

Sometimes my selfish and human heart wishes God were more, well, different. I sometimes wish He would just save everybody. He could do that, right? But I remember He is a God of Justice, and punishment must be given. Consequences to actions, debt to be payed. The best and yet saddest part of the story is that our debt has been payed, and still men's hearts are cold to Him. This leads to other thoughts.

Do we choose Him? Did He choose us? Both? Does every human have the opportunity to choose Him? Is it fair? Is God fair? Who is God anyway? Who is he really?

There are people on the other side of the world who are as, if not more, dedicated to their beliefs than I am. How can I say that I am right and they are wrong? Of all the people to be right, I am not the most likely choice. How can I believe that they have been deceived all their lives?

Because I have been deceived. I have believed lies about myself and other people. We are all trying to fill our void, a void that is only able to be filled by Him. They have filled their lives with religions and beliefs, whereas what I have found, what I have been given, is more than a religion. it is a God, a real God who listens, speaks and loves me. He knows I don't deserve it. Christianity--not in the general known sense of the word, but in the truly wholehearted relationship with God, the Trinity: Father, Spirit, Christ--is the only belief that declares the truth about humanity. We are all sinners; selfishness is our downfall.

Think about every problem in the world. Poverty. Is this not caused by the selfish actions of the rich and powerful? Could it not be cured by selflessness? What about murderers? There is selfish gain whether psychotic pleasure, protecting oneself, or bettering one's circumstances by being rid of a person. Robbery? No-brainer selfishness.

I have been wrestling with God, as Jacob did (check out Genesis for that story). God will always put my hip out of joint , He will always prove His Holiness, His sovereignty   "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding." Proverbs 3:5. Some might think it a cop-out to claim that God is so other from us that we cannot understand Him. But they have no faith.

Can you really look around you and claim that everything developed itself? That the endless palette of the evening sky is pure accident? I understand there are complex scientific processes, and I believe God's hand is in those processes. "The Lord by wisdom founded the earth; by understanding He established the heavens; by His knowledge the deep broke open and the clouds drop down the dew." Proverbs 3:19-20. To say that He created it in a poof, that is generalizing the thought and depth of detail that He created all with.

What I am trying to say I guess, after all of that is that I still have questions. They are hard questions some of them. I also have faith. For whether He answers my questions or not, He is who He is. Whether I am convinced or not, He is God.  He is steady when I am fickle and changing. "I am who I am" He said. He cannot be defined by our words, our thoughts, our emotions, our vision. He is wholly other. Holy.

And I want Him.

Not some god made up by my ideals and wishes. Him. I believe in Him, not my version of Him. And I will follow Him. It is so hard and yet so simple. I don't need answers. I need to trust.

"But as for me, I trust in You." Psalm 55:23b