fooled

Perhaps my previous post was too hasty.

Worry, fear, and a host of lies have been the army battling my soul. They crept in through my mind, huddling in the corner long enough for me to think them just another box of junk against the wall. How they fooled me.

My tendency to hermit did not serve as an ally. I hid from others for fear of what I might say, do, or hear. I haven't been loving others very well. I knew it was wrong to hide, to run. Fear was simply too strong. Or perhaps it was shame. Probably both. Fear whispered lies and cut deeply. Shame rubbed its poison in my wounds. Painful poison.Confusion ensued.

I literally lay in bed for three hours today. (I know it sounds weird, but lay is actually the proper past tense form of lie. sorry for the grammatical side-note.) I came back to my room from lunch feeling tired physically and mentally and emotionally. I reclined on my bed, listening to my "plank-eyed saint" playlist. It has a lot of Casting Crowns music.

"Jesus, Jesus, at Your feet, Oh to dwell and never leave..." I cried without a second thought, for that is all I wanted. No worry, no fear, just Jesus. I fell asleep soon after that song, then woke to another.

"Jesus hold me now, I need to feel You in this place. To know You're by my side, to hear Your voice tonight..." More Casting Crowns goodness. More tears, and more sleeping. Yet still, I felt uncertain of everything and everyone.

I went to the weekly gathering of Christians on my campus later, ready to be admonished for my fear, challenged to do more, urged to live better. I arrived and He shouted at me.

"I LOVE YOU! I really do, Karly. Shame has no power over you except the power you give it. Remember that I love you. You. I LOVE YOU."

Again.

I was ready for discipline--I deserved discipline. Still He said "I love you." When will I learn?

So my previous post was too hasty because the story wasn't, well, isn't over. I guess He will be telling me He loves me for a long time. Especially when I don't think I deserve it. His "I love you" is worth more than the fortunes of the world, more than galaxies. His love works miracles; overcomes all worries; destroys all fear. And it melts my heart of stone.

I cannot love other people when I do not believe that He loves me. For it is His love that strengthens my love for others. His love is the source of my love. "We love because HE FIRST loved us." 1 John 4:19. I haven't been loving others well because I haven't been believing He loves me. Even after all that He has done, fear and shame fooled me again.

Don't be fooled. Live loved, friends.