undone

{That which tears open our souls, those holes that splatter our sight, may actually become the thin, open places to see through the mess of this place to the heart-aching beauty beyond. To Him. To the God whom we endlessly crave.} Anne Voscomp

Though I often present a face of serenity or at least disconcerted humor, there is a battle raging in me. My flesh--fears, doubts, lies, sins--viciously battles the Spirit of God over my soul. I feel thin and shredded. It might sound odd, but as I have related to some good friends, I feel as though I have been walking around in a dense cloud of my fears. Sometimes they form themselves from the cloud and I grapple with them. Other times they simply lie there, just out of reach, but dimming my sight.

God has brought them to my attention on purpose. He has put this dense cloud about me that I might face my fears. He has brought me to a place of weeding out the lies in my life, refuting them with truth so I can better wrestle my fear. He has had to hurt me to heal me, for this clouded grey is rather lonely and hard. He has had to take me apart, to remake me. 

As much as dismantling hurts, I have also found it to be one of the most beautiful experiences of my life. Never before have I felt so undone, so attacked and yet so content. I am content to be discontent. Days are long, school is tough, but God is good. I am not what I will be, I am full of sin and holes, but He is still good. He has plans for me. Plans I never would have made, never would have had the courage to pursue without Him. 

Why am I sharing this? Sometimes I don't know, honestly. It is terrifying. I trust Him, though, and am simply following Him through this.

My hope, I guess, is to encourage you. If you are struggling, in the dark, feeling abandoned, alone, wondering, I want you to do something. Seek Him. It is hard, friends, but wrestle with the hard questions, face them, do not run away. Be willing to wait for Him. Sometimes He makes us wait, to build our faith. His distance and silence can teach us.

Whatever you do, cling to any shred of Him you can. He promises He will be found if sought wholeheartedly in Jeremiah 29:13 and the following verses from Hosea 6. (v 1 &3)

"Come, let us return to the Lord; for He has torn us, that He may heal us; He has struck us down, and He will bind us up...Let us know; let us press on to know the Lord; His going out is sure as the dawn; He will come to us as showers, as the spring rains that water the earth."