September 20, 2011

"I wish that I wasn't so fragile..."

Today I was reminded of the utter fragility of the human spirit. Sometimes we can be so strong-so strong that it is hard to comprehend. And other times we are so utterly fragile. A young man, I did not know him well, in fact I may never have even spoken to him, he committed suicide. He was well thought of; everyone I had ever met spoke highly of him. He went to my high school. He came to my Bible Study a couple of times.
 My dear friend is hurting very deeply because of his death. Death: such a harsh, yet gentle word. A heavy word, with more connotations than any other word in the English language. He is gone, and it has hurt more people than he probably ever could have imagined. It hurt me, someone he didn't even know. Sometimes I think we underestimate our influence, our importance. I know I do. Sometimes I feel so unnecessary, unwanted. But then my friends, without even knowing it, make everything worthwhile. God shows me my purpose again, He knows just when I need to be encouraged. Feeling that way-unwanted, unnecessary, unloved, not worthwhile; that should not happen and it breaks my poor fragile heart. So I mourn the loss of a soul I knew little of, and I mourn for those who did know him, who loved him, who needed him. He was needed. He was wanted. He was loved.

If you are feeling unwanted, don't be fooled by lies. Someone needs you-somewhere that you may not even be able to see. Walk blindly, with faith that God is working out His plan in your life. Someday, you may be amazed to see what He was doing.

September 10, 2011

Friends + Cinnabon = Joy

Ten o'clock darkness, cut by the village-like lights of the outlet-like mall. But the darkness wasn't really cut, just pushed back, more like a fog that made everything just a little more dim and exquisite. The closed shops seemed sleepy and peaceful and the open ones just quiet as if they had already taken their contacts out for the day and were wearing their glasses. It was cool, but warm all at once and I walked with people I know excitedly. I have only known most of them for about two and a half weeks. That is a very small amount of time, especially for me. But I felt wanted. I felt appreciated. I felt, well, home. Of course, while my heart is swelling with hazy joy, my mind is whispering reason. "It won't last," it says sadly, "They won't want to be around you forever. They just got to college, they'll discover new people and replace you. You are the RA. They sort of have to like you." But my heart retorts that they include me and support me all the time and said they think I am cool, which is shocking to me. And these people, well, they are different. And it has taken less than two weeks for all of them to find a place in my ever-growing heart. My friends from last year are few, but wonderful. And these new friends, too are wonderful. I just hope that I will always have a place in their hearts. My heart won today. I will not think that they will leave. Even if they needed me as a stepping stool, a friend to get to another friend, today, I don't really mind. I had a place, a empty spot in a puzzle that I fit into perfectly, and it is a beautiful memory. So thanks to my friends old and new last night, for taking me to Cinnabon. It was delicious and I will never forget it.