Perhaps my previous post was too hasty.
Worry, fear, and a host of lies have been the army battling my soul. They crept in through my mind, huddling in the corner long enough for me to think them just another box of junk against the wall. How they fooled me.
My tendency to hermit did not serve as an ally. I hid from others for fear of what I might say, do, or hear. I haven't been loving others very well. I knew it was wrong to hide, to run. Fear was simply too strong. Or perhaps it was shame. Probably both. Fear whispered lies and cut deeply. Shame rubbed its poison in my wounds. Painful poison.Confusion ensued.
I literally lay in bed for three hours today. (I know it sounds weird, but lay is actually the proper past tense form of lie. sorry for the grammatical side-note.) I came back to my room from lunch feeling tired physically and mentally and emotionally. I reclined on my bed, listening to my "plank-eyed saint" playlist. It has a lot of Casting Crowns music.
"Jesus, Jesus, at Your feet, Oh to dwell and never leave..." I cried without a second thought, for that is all I wanted. No worry, no fear, just Jesus. I fell asleep soon after that song, then woke to another.
"Jesus hold me now, I need to feel You in this place. To know You're by my side, to hear Your voice tonight..." More Casting Crowns goodness. More tears, and more sleeping. Yet still, I felt uncertain of everything and everyone.
I went to the weekly gathering of Christians on my campus later, ready to be admonished for my fear, challenged to do more, urged to live better. I arrived and He shouted at me.
"I LOVE YOU! I really do, Karly. Shame has no power over you except the power you give it. Remember that I love you. You. I LOVE YOU."
Again.
I was ready for discipline--I deserved discipline. Still He said "I love you." When will I learn?
So my previous post was too hasty because the story wasn't, well, isn't over. I guess He will be telling me He loves me for a long time. Especially when I don't think I deserve it. His "I love you" is worth more than the fortunes of the world, more than galaxies. His love works miracles; overcomes all worries; destroys all fear. And it melts my heart of stone.
I cannot love other people when I do not believe that He loves me. For it is His love that strengthens my love for others. His love is the source of my love. "We love because HE FIRST loved us." 1 John 4:19. I haven't been loving others well because I haven't been believing He loves me. Even after all that He has done, fear and shame fooled me again.
Don't be fooled. Live loved, friends.
January 25, 2013
January 13, 2013
how measureless and strong
{Could we with ink the ocean fill, and were the skies of parchment made,
Were every stalk on earth a quill, and every man a scribe by trade;
To write the love of God above would drain the ocean dry;
Nor could the scroll contain the whole, though stretched from sky to sky.}
The Love Of God, a hymn
I am utterly amazed by the love of our God.
I sat struggling a while ago with letting Him satisfy and chasing worldly desires that hung before me, taunting me, begging me to want them. Satan whispered lies--my own heart whispered lies too.
I just wanted Him, so I turned to the Word, the living and active Word of God, ready for chastisement. I prepped my heart for a good scolding, looking to the Psalms. I went there thinking to find the psalms which proclaim the satisfaction God gives, describe boldly how He is all that we need.
I found those verses, but not before finding something else. See, I flipped through, reading parts of Psalms to see if I thought the declaration of God's fulfilling nature might be in there. Every psalm I read, however, spoke of one consistent idea: the steadfast love of God.
When I finally stopped flipping madly through Psalms, I simply cried in surprise and overwhelming confusion of emotion. I turned to Him for discipline, for a reprimand, for words to challenge and empower me.
All He said to me was "I love you."
In a way, His response was a challenge. In telling me this as I fought temptation, He was also saying: "Let me simply love you, child. Only then can you love Me."
A month or so later, I was facing tough doubts about who He is and I have talked about that here. The part of the story I did not tell yet was one that had not been put into perspective until recently with the help of a dear friend. Christmas Eve service was the night that my doubts fell away. Truly realizing the harsh reality of the mighty King coming to earth to be born in a filthy stable that smelled of dung, sweat, and hay, is a shocking reality. What kind of God would do this? Who would come down to this sinful, deteriorating place in such a lowly and incomprehensible way?
Him. "I am who I am" would.
He could have easily brought me to my knees in fear of His greatness with thunder and armies of angels. Instead He came to me as a young child, born in a ramshackle room as a nobody. He reminded me of His love humbly and softly, in a way I did not deserve. I deserved to be slapped in the face, yet He whispered "my beloved" in the midst of a thousand people holding candles and singing of the dawn of redeeming grace.
Yet my humble experience does not begin to adequately describe the vast love of God. His love has been written about for years, yet still, would we take the sky and fill it with words written of ocean-ink, it would be an understatement of His love.
Were every stalk on earth a quill, and every man a scribe by trade;
To write the love of God above would drain the ocean dry;
Nor could the scroll contain the whole, though stretched from sky to sky.}
The Love Of God, a hymn
I am utterly amazed by the love of our God.
I sat struggling a while ago with letting Him satisfy and chasing worldly desires that hung before me, taunting me, begging me to want them. Satan whispered lies--my own heart whispered lies too.
I just wanted Him, so I turned to the Word, the living and active Word of God, ready for chastisement. I prepped my heart for a good scolding, looking to the Psalms. I went there thinking to find the psalms which proclaim the satisfaction God gives, describe boldly how He is all that we need.
I found those verses, but not before finding something else. See, I flipped through, reading parts of Psalms to see if I thought the declaration of God's fulfilling nature might be in there. Every psalm I read, however, spoke of one consistent idea: the steadfast love of God.
When I finally stopped flipping madly through Psalms, I simply cried in surprise and overwhelming confusion of emotion. I turned to Him for discipline, for a reprimand, for words to challenge and empower me.
All He said to me was "I love you."
In a way, His response was a challenge. In telling me this as I fought temptation, He was also saying: "Let me simply love you, child. Only then can you love Me."
A month or so later, I was facing tough doubts about who He is and I have talked about that here. The part of the story I did not tell yet was one that had not been put into perspective until recently with the help of a dear friend. Christmas Eve service was the night that my doubts fell away. Truly realizing the harsh reality of the mighty King coming to earth to be born in a filthy stable that smelled of dung, sweat, and hay, is a shocking reality. What kind of God would do this? Who would come down to this sinful, deteriorating place in such a lowly and incomprehensible way?
Him. "I am who I am" would.
He could have easily brought me to my knees in fear of His greatness with thunder and armies of angels. Instead He came to me as a young child, born in a ramshackle room as a nobody. He reminded me of His love humbly and softly, in a way I did not deserve. I deserved to be slapped in the face, yet He whispered "my beloved" in the midst of a thousand people holding candles and singing of the dawn of redeeming grace.
Yet my humble experience does not begin to adequately describe the vast love of God. His love has been written about for years, yet still, would we take the sky and fill it with words written of ocean-ink, it would be an understatement of His love.
January 8, 2013
One Word
On most occasions, I am not one to fall into trends on purpose. My friends will tell you I am stubbornly unique. However, I read one of my favorite blogs today and they posted about this One Word 365 thing. I have been praying that He would show me what to write about for this blog, and this was the answer. So I sacrificed my addiction to creativity to follow His calling, realizing that this is actually a beautiful thing to be a part of.
One Word 365 is a replacement for New Year's resolutions. I never really do resolutions. I am not the most disciplined person, and I fail almost as soon as I begin (just as true this year as any) usually because I don't rely on Him. Well, as I was reading about this movement, a word flashed in my mind, practically in neon lights, throwing illumination on the darkest corners of my dusty mind.
TRUST
My life verse, which He picked out for me (another story for another day), is the end of Psalm 55:23. I call it Psalm 55:24 because of that stubbornness I mentioned earlier. "...but as for me, I trust in You," it says.
The Fall occurred because Adam and Eve did not trust that God had the best intentions by prohibiting the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. They listened to lies and doubted His goodness. The minute we do not trust Him, Satan lies to us. Even more detrimental--we lie to ourselves.
So when I am worried about my future this year, I want to trust. When I am afraid of something--be it talking to someone new, the word "no," or doing what He asks--I want to trust Him. Not necessarily trust that it will be easy or filled with daisies and sunshine, but that it will be okay. "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good..." note that it does not say easy.
I trust that I am who He is making me to be. That through Him I can do anything. Philippians 4:13, of course.
Think about how hard it is to truly believe all of that in the depths of our souls? It is hard. I know me. I cannot do any of the things He wants me to do. Except through Him, who gives me strength. So I have confidence not in myself, but in Him. I trust Him.
Sometimes I am afraid of who He is making me. My insecurities and fears are familiar and I feel naked without them. But I trust Him. Because as much as I think I know myself, He knows me better. The person He is making me? She is more than I could possibly imagine. "Don't run from who you are," Aslan said.
So I will trust Him. What one word will you walk by this year?
One Word 365 is a replacement for New Year's resolutions. I never really do resolutions. I am not the most disciplined person, and I fail almost as soon as I begin (just as true this year as any) usually because I don't rely on Him. Well, as I was reading about this movement, a word flashed in my mind, practically in neon lights, throwing illumination on the darkest corners of my dusty mind.
TRUST
My life verse, which He picked out for me (another story for another day), is the end of Psalm 55:23. I call it Psalm 55:24 because of that stubbornness I mentioned earlier. "...but as for me, I trust in You," it says.
The Fall occurred because Adam and Eve did not trust that God had the best intentions by prohibiting the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. They listened to lies and doubted His goodness. The minute we do not trust Him, Satan lies to us. Even more detrimental--we lie to ourselves.
So when I am worried about my future this year, I want to trust. When I am afraid of something--be it talking to someone new, the word "no," or doing what He asks--I want to trust Him. Not necessarily trust that it will be easy or filled with daisies and sunshine, but that it will be okay. "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good..." note that it does not say easy.
I trust that I am who He is making me to be. That through Him I can do anything. Philippians 4:13, of course.
Think about how hard it is to truly believe all of that in the depths of our souls? It is hard. I know me. I cannot do any of the things He wants me to do. Except through Him, who gives me strength. So I have confidence not in myself, but in Him. I trust Him.
Sometimes I am afraid of who He is making me. My insecurities and fears are familiar and I feel naked without them. But I trust Him. Because as much as I think I know myself, He knows me better. The person He is making me? She is more than I could possibly imagine. "Don't run from who you are," Aslan said.
So I will trust Him. What one word will you walk by this year?
December 21, 2012
Who are You?
{I want God, not my idea of God}
C.S. Lewis
I wonder sometimes. Why let sin happen? Why let Satan feed us lies? Why destroy kingdoms, let innocents be killed?
I do not have the answer.
Sometimes this bothers me. I want to know why. What is the purpose? And the question so many ask: How can a loving God allow this to happen?
Sometimes my selfish and human heart wishes God were more, well, different. I sometimes wish He would just save everybody. He could do that, right? But I remember He is a God of Justice, and punishment must be given. Consequences to actions, debt to be payed. The best and yet saddest part of the story is that our debt has been payed, and still men's hearts are cold to Him. This leads to other thoughts.
Do we choose Him? Did He choose us? Both? Does every human have the opportunity to choose Him? Is it fair? Is God fair? Who is God anyway? Who is he really?
There are people on the other side of the world who are as, if not more, dedicated to their beliefs than I am. How can I say that I am right and they are wrong? Of all the people to be right, I am not the most likely choice. How can I believe that they have been deceived all their lives?
Because I have been deceived. I have believed lies about myself and other people. We are all trying to fill our void, a void that is only able to be filled by Him. They have filled their lives with religions and beliefs, whereas what I have found, what I have been given, is more than a religion. it is a God, a real God who listens, speaks and loves me. He knows I don't deserve it. Christianity--not in the general known sense of the word, but in the truly wholehearted relationship with God, the Trinity: Father, Spirit, Christ--is the only belief that declares the truth about humanity. We are all sinners; selfishness is our downfall.
Think about every problem in the world. Poverty. Is this not caused by the selfish actions of the rich and powerful? Could it not be cured by selflessness? What about murderers? There is selfish gain whether psychotic pleasure, protecting oneself, or bettering one's circumstances by being rid of a person. Robbery? No-brainer selfishness.
I have been wrestling with God, as Jacob did (check out Genesis for that story). God will always put my hip out of joint , He will always prove His Holiness, His sovereignty "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding." Proverbs 3:5. Some might think it a cop-out to claim that God is so other from us that we cannot understand Him. But they have no faith.
Can you really look around you and claim that everything developed itself? That the endless palette of the evening sky is pure accident? I understand there are complex scientific processes, and I believe God's hand is in those processes. "The Lord by wisdom founded the earth; by understanding He established the heavens; by His knowledge the deep broke open and the clouds drop down the dew." Proverbs 3:19-20. To say that He created it in a poof, that is generalizing the thought and depth of detail that He created all with.
What I am trying to say I guess, after all of that is that I still have questions. They are hard questions some of them. I also have faith. For whether He answers my questions or not, He is who He is. Whether I am convinced or not, He is God. He is steady when I am fickle and changing. "I am who I am" He said. He cannot be defined by our words, our thoughts, our emotions, our vision. He is wholly other. Holy.
And I want Him.
Not some god made up by my ideals and wishes. Him. I believe in Him, not my version of Him. And I will follow Him. It is so hard and yet so simple. I don't need answers. I need to trust.
"But as for me, I trust in You." Psalm 55:23b
C.S. Lewis
I wonder sometimes. Why let sin happen? Why let Satan feed us lies? Why destroy kingdoms, let innocents be killed?
I do not have the answer.
Sometimes this bothers me. I want to know why. What is the purpose? And the question so many ask: How can a loving God allow this to happen?
Sometimes my selfish and human heart wishes God were more, well, different. I sometimes wish He would just save everybody. He could do that, right? But I remember He is a God of Justice, and punishment must be given. Consequences to actions, debt to be payed. The best and yet saddest part of the story is that our debt has been payed, and still men's hearts are cold to Him. This leads to other thoughts.
Do we choose Him? Did He choose us? Both? Does every human have the opportunity to choose Him? Is it fair? Is God fair? Who is God anyway? Who is he really?
There are people on the other side of the world who are as, if not more, dedicated to their beliefs than I am. How can I say that I am right and they are wrong? Of all the people to be right, I am not the most likely choice. How can I believe that they have been deceived all their lives?
Because I have been deceived. I have believed lies about myself and other people. We are all trying to fill our void, a void that is only able to be filled by Him. They have filled their lives with religions and beliefs, whereas what I have found, what I have been given, is more than a religion. it is a God, a real God who listens, speaks and loves me. He knows I don't deserve it. Christianity--not in the general known sense of the word, but in the truly wholehearted relationship with God, the Trinity: Father, Spirit, Christ--is the only belief that declares the truth about humanity. We are all sinners; selfishness is our downfall.
Think about every problem in the world. Poverty. Is this not caused by the selfish actions of the rich and powerful? Could it not be cured by selflessness? What about murderers? There is selfish gain whether psychotic pleasure, protecting oneself, or bettering one's circumstances by being rid of a person. Robbery? No-brainer selfishness.
I have been wrestling with God, as Jacob did (check out Genesis for that story). God will always put my hip out of joint , He will always prove His Holiness, His sovereignty "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding." Proverbs 3:5. Some might think it a cop-out to claim that God is so other from us that we cannot understand Him. But they have no faith.
Can you really look around you and claim that everything developed itself? That the endless palette of the evening sky is pure accident? I understand there are complex scientific processes, and I believe God's hand is in those processes. "The Lord by wisdom founded the earth; by understanding He established the heavens; by His knowledge the deep broke open and the clouds drop down the dew." Proverbs 3:19-20. To say that He created it in a poof, that is generalizing the thought and depth of detail that He created all with.
What I am trying to say I guess, after all of that is that I still have questions. They are hard questions some of them. I also have faith. For whether He answers my questions or not, He is who He is. Whether I am convinced or not, He is God. He is steady when I am fickle and changing. "I am who I am" He said. He cannot be defined by our words, our thoughts, our emotions, our vision. He is wholly other. Holy.
And I want Him.
Not some god made up by my ideals and wishes. Him. I believe in Him, not my version of Him. And I will follow Him. It is so hard and yet so simple. I don't need answers. I need to trust.
"But as for me, I trust in You." Psalm 55:23b
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