March 9, 2012

"my heart is like a prisoner of war"

{I've got voices in my head, they are so strong,
and I;m getting sick of this, oh Lord how long
will I be haunted by the fear that I believe?
My hands like locks on cages of these dreams I can't set free.
If I let these dreams die...will the letting go let me come alive?
Empty my hands, fill up my heart, capture my mind with You.}

Empty My Hands -my favorite song of all time
Tenth Avenue North

tug-of-war. I never liked that game. I always got trampled, and usually I let go because I didn't want to get rope-burn. Ironically, my relationship with God has been an ongoing tug-of-war since the beginning. Fortunately, He wins. Every time.

Sometimes I fool myself into thinking that if I make enough plans or dream enough about something, God wouldn't dare take it away. He loves me too much to hurt me like that, I tell myself. This is the one thing, God, the one thing I really want. 

I have said that about a great many things, dreams both small and big. Tonight He finally wrenched another one from my stubborn grasp, painfully. My hands are red and raw, but the cool air in their empty grasp is comforting. He will bandage my poor hands until they are strong enough to receive what He has for me.

It isn't easy to think that I will not get what I wanted. Why did I want it?

To make me happy.

Why did He take it?

So that I could realize that joy comes from Him. That his plans are good-hard, but good. That what I really wanted, all along is Him. Not the dreams, not the things, just Him. Nothing else could ever be enough. It still hurts, but I am peaceful.

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