shame

I have found a way for so long to pretend to love and live. 

But I am not okay.

I am not okay.

Wow. That was hard to say.

I don’t say it very often.

Usually I just lie.

Usually I just say,

“yeah, I am good.”

I don’t look into their eyes.

I don’t look into people’s eyes anymore.

I am afraid.

Afraid that they will see right through me.

Afraid that my eyes will betray my secrets.

Betray my shame.

Betray insincerity that tries so hard to be sincere.

I fear that should they peer into my eyes,

They will find

Me.

And I don’t want to be found.

But I do.

I desperately want someone to find me.

But I am afraid there is no one who can understand.

No one who can ever look at me with love when they know my shame.

So I remain alone.

Locked up by fear and shame.

“They say time is like a healer, it’s more like a concealer for scars.”*

I never get rid of the shame. I never let it go.

I hide it in the box in the corner.

I can go for years forgetting it is there.

Selective thinking.

But I never really heal. 

I just mop up my bleeding before I go out into the world.

Freshen up the paint,

Desperately hoping no one will see the scar.

It burrows in my eyes.

Even those closest never see my deepest shame.

I just can’t tell them.

How can I?

They will never love me the same way.

I cannot bear that kind of alone.

You come in.

You put Your mighty hands gently on my shoulders.

This might hurt, You say.

You look into my eyes, unflinching.

You flood my soul.

I fear I am drowning.

But I find that I can breathe.

You take my shame, wrenching it from the corner.

I had nailed it down, welded it shut.

You rip it open with love in Your eyes.

In all of its blackness, it falls like ash,

The water around turning black.

We stand in it together.

I look away. I look back at You.

You are still looking at me.

Love is still in your eyes.

Your scars begin to bleed, two in Your hands, two in Your feet.

I look at Your face and blood drips from small scratches on Your forehead.

A waterfall of it rushes from Your side.

Red fills the room.

I close my eyes and slip to my knees.

My tears of shame mingle with the blood.

They are swept away.

Where did they go?

Far away.

How far?

Do you know how far east is from west?

No.

That far.

You smile. So do I. 

I even laugh a little. 

Sometimes shame finds its way back to me.

Shame has different faces, 

pseudonyms,

disguises.

I keep it because I forget.

Silly me.

I know what to expect.

Yet it still it surprises me.

You always say the same thing.

I love you.

That is what changes me.

 *When I'm Alone by Nevertheless