April 7, 2012

What do I want?

{Make me lonely
So I can be Yours
‘Til I want no one
More than You, Lord
‘Cause in the darkness
I know You will hold me.}

Keep Making Me 
Sidewalk Prophets

What is it that I truly want? What do I desire? More than anything else, what do I long for?

Truly life-defining questions.

I could answer "to find love." It is a simple answer that I used to believe without knowing was what I wanted. I could answer "success" and define what that meant to me, basically meeting the expectations of the world or my family. I could also answer "to help people" which is a good and noble thing to want.

But it isn't enough.

I am tired of looking for love. I am tired of expectations burdening me as though I were a mule. I am tired of reaching out to help people and being turned away, remaining un-thanked, and being taken advantage of.

What do I really want? What should I want?


The most valuable treasure, He is what I should want. He is what I want, well most of the time. Sometimes I become disillusioned with His ability to satisfy. But always I come back, only to find love I sought elsewhere. I find the power and strength to meet His expectations. I find fulfillment in helping people despite their ingratitude and arrogance. I only have one person to please: God. What a relief.

I never prayed for loneliness so that He could be all I want. I never thought to be that selfless and devoted. Loneliness came, but I found many an occasion to complain to Him and beg Him to end it. It was the perfect time to find pleasure and peace in His presence, to draw near to Him, but I was blinded by my selfishness and my pride. Lonely people are seen as misfits, outcasts and my ego couldn't handle that. I still see myself as somewhat an outsider to the world. I am grateful for the distance sometimes, though.  It is a distance that very few understand. He does and there is nothing more safe than explaining myself to Him. He made me-He knows me, but it must be hilarious and tragic and beautiful all at the same time to hear me talk about myself. About my hopes and dreams and fears.

I love to meander around the park in solitude, whispering stray thoughts to Him, crying, laughing and singing to Him. I never knew, never realized how real a relationship with God could feel. I always thought it to be this distant sort of touch-and-go thing that I would have to guess at. But it is real, the most real part of my life. At least the most stable. I want Him to be my priority. I want to live for His glory and not my own. I want to do good things not because they are good or right, but because I love Him and He asks it.

I want Him.

What do you want?

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