February 22, 2013


This afternoon I am grateful for doubt.

Coming from me, this is pretty big. Doubt has been my arch nemesis as long as I can remember. He stalks my every move, whispers in the shadows, and snags my cape when I want to fly. 

Yet I have learned so much from Doubt. God has used my doubt to strengthen my faith. Even though times in Doubt's company are dark and difficult, they have pushed me ever in the direction of my Creator. Doubt taught me what Edna taught us: "no capes!" 

But really. Doubt has taught me what hinders my faith, and sends me back to the Word for understanding. Doubt whets my appetite to know who God is, to learn all I can about Him. Knowing the way God works, this will not be for my faith alone, but for the faith of others, too. Doubt makes me realize that I am not enough, that my intellect cannot suffice, that I have to trust Him. It deflates my easily inflated pride.

This gratefulness is spreading like wildfire throughout my life. I sat miserably this morning through my two classes because my throat hurts and I had chills. Because I am not feeling well, I decided to spend the afternoon on the floor with blankets, my Bible, my journals, my quote book, my sketchbook, and my stuffed animals. (no shame). My being sick made me stop and rest in Him, so that He could tell me who He is. I am so glad my cold made me flop clumsily into His holy presence. See, He turns our logic on its head. The things that drive us crazy are the things we should be grateful for, because He uses them to strengthen us, build our patience and endurance. Complaining is a sign of ingratitude.

It isn't easy. Complaining is something I have used to empathize with other people. Though I had good intentions, this is not healthy, and it has taken its slow toll on my joy. This will be another growing adventure full of missteps and stumbles. But my stumbles keep me humble. And already, contentment is filling my soul. I have so much to do, but I am content to be overwhelmed, because I know that He is doing something. Something in me is changing and I am excited to know what He will do!

"Redemption was born on a far darker day than this one, so bring the chaos. Bring the madness. Do whatever You've got to do to recreate my heart. After all, it's me that needs to change, not my circumstances." Mike Donehey

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